She was running, her hand still in his. He looked back at her and
laughed, his brown eyes crinkled, the skin around them creased in endless
abandon.
“This is my yoga studio,” she mentioned breathlessly as they careened
past the stone building. He backtracked unexpectedly and pulled her with him.
“HEY!” he called up at the dark windows. Passers-by on the sidewalk
merely stalked around them, passive aggressively dismissing their existence.
She giggled, “No one’s there, it’s almost midnight.”
“They’re all at the wedding,” he said with a grin.
The wedding.
Her dress had ripped on the ferry ride and he had swiftly fixed it with
some kind of boyfriend-cunning that only he possessed.
She touched the rip mindlessly, not even sure it had been there. He had
mended it perfectly.
“Are you okay?” he asked, putting his hand over hers. She looked over at
him, then at the stone building.
She didn’t know the answer to that question. That question was forbidden;
it begged dishonesty and faux self-adulation.
“He fixed my dress,” she said, walking away.
“Your boyfriend?” She nodded. “What happened at the wedding? You said you
had a fight.”
She shook her head and cleared her throat. “I said we came to an
understanding.”
“Ah, yes. What was the understanding?”
“That I can’t stand being around him.”
“Like… just tonight you can’t stand being around him or it feels like
your eye socket is being burned with a lit cigarette when he touches you?”
“The lit cigarette,” she sighed, taking a cigarette from the box he
offered her.
“How did he take it?”
She guffawed for a second then shrugged. “I didn’t tell him.”
“I thought you said you both came to an understanding.”
“Well, I came to an understanding then, if you want to get technical.”
“That’s not about being technical, that’s about speaking the truth. The
way you say something matters.” He was looking at her as if he was truly seeing
her for the first time and he didn’t like what his eyes were being met with.
“Sorry,” she apologised softly. “I suppose I did know that what I meant
to say was, ‘I came to an understanding’.”
He sat down on a nearby stoop and took a drag from his cigarette. She sat
next to him and did the same.
“Did it hurt?”
“Uh… the rip?” she asked, her hand reaching for the rip in her dress
again.
“Coming to that understanding; did it hurt?”
She stopped for a few seconds. She looked off into nothingness, she
didn’t breathe, she didn’t move to swipe a stray curl from billowing against
her cheek.
Slowly, she began to nod. “But I’ve known for a while. I’ve known, I just
haven’t felt it until tonight.”
“Denial,” he said shortly.
She nodded again and whispered, “I suppose so.”
“Come on, we’ll miss it.” He got up, stretched and put one hand in his
pocket and the other he put out to help her off the stoop. “You’re hungry,
right?”
“Hungry?” she asked. “Not particularly…”
“You drink tea?”
“Not really…”
“What kind of yogi doesn’t drink tea?”
“I’m not really a yogi, per se…”
“Hot chocolate?”
“Diet Coke?” she offered.
“Perfect,” he nodded and pulled her along gently.
They passed a small café on a corner and he ushered her inside. He took
her to a booth and she sat down.
“Not that side,” he said solemnly.
“Why? Is this your side?” she teased.
He pulled her up gingerly and sat next to her on the cushy bench-seat.
“Because you have to see the TV,” he explained finally.
She looked up and saw the screen. A sitcom had just started and one of
the idiotic, jazzy characters was saying something idiotic and jazzy while the
audience laughed with as much energy as a raucous gang of golf spectators.
“This show?”
“I love it,” he said, his eyes on the screen. “I come and watch it every
Tuesday. If I can’t make the 9PM show, I come to the midnight rerun.”
She examined his face. It was lit with excitement and he guffawed at a
joke. It was actually a good joke, she had to admit, and she laughed as well.
He looked at her and nodded. “See? It’s shit-stupid with momentary lapses of
brilliance. Sometimes the best art is accidental. It’s not trying to be, it
just happens – like a flash of lightning: fleeting and random.
“At least that’s my metaphor for a stupid sitcom.” He snorted softly and
turned his attention back to the screen.
“You don’t have a television at home?” she asked.
“I don’t have steak and eggs at home,” he said shortly.
She nodded and they sat looking at the screen for a few minutes.
“Hi,” he said to the waitress who approached them, “we’d like a steak and
eggs special – all the trimmings – and… um, a Diet Coke?” He looked to her
questioningly. “You sure you don’t want anything else? The steak and eggs are
blow-mind, I promise.”
“Just Diet Coke,” she said to the waitress with a smile. “Thanks.”
He shrugged.
“I’m really salivating over that Diet Coke,” he said during a commercial
break.
She sipped from her straw and said nonchalantly, “It’s delicious.”
“You’re not anorexic or something, are you?”
She made a face at him to show she was hurt and offended. “You can’t say
something like that to me after knowing me for one hour.”
He thought about it and said, “Sorry; that was a dickish thing to say.
And we can share anyway.” He touched her shoulder and instinctively she put her
hand on his.
“Well?” he asked her, expectantly searching her face.
She chewed a few more times then swallowed and looked at him blankly.
“Holy shit, gimme that fork,” she blurted and stuffed some more meat into
her mouth from the plate the waitress had put on the table. He laughed and she
laughed and they both laughed.
They laughed for minutes; she couldn’t swallow the food in her mouth so
hers was a muffled, odd guffaw that sounded like the coo of a very old pigeon nearing the end of its life.
He put his hand on her lap while he ate.
“You’re left-handed,” she said.
“Yes. You knew that because I’m eating with my left hand?”
“Well, you’re eating well with your left hand,” she reasoned and he
gripped her skin softly. She looked at his hand and it became upturned, facing
her. He motioned with it for hers and she gave it to him.
“What now?” she asked him.
He shook his head and shoulders all at once. “Got work early in the
morning.”
“Where do you live?”
“Around the corner. And you?”
“Uptown,” she said.
“‘Uptown’ is a large place – I hope you don’t get lost.”
Outside the café, they turned to face each other. “Well, goodbye,” she
said. “Thanks for the meal.”
“Okay. Thank you.” He smiled and turned, hesitated, then turned back to
face her. “Can I say something?” he asked.
She searched his eyes but they were dark. There was nothing to see.
“Yeah,” she shrugged.
“You said you came to an understanding today with yourself or within
yourself, right? Don’t take that lightly. People live their entire lives not
understanding shit – especially themselves. You had an epiphany or a revelation
or a bomb-drop moment or something. You know how you feel. It probably hurts
and is scary as all fuck, and even then you don’t know what you are going to
do. You’re thinking the pit is only going to get deeper before you can even
start thinking about climbing out to see the shit all around.
“You don’t love him and that scares you because you believe you should.
But you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t have to do anything if it makes you feel like
this.”
He touched the side of her head, smiled and walked away.
The cab ride home was cold and bumpy. She stared into nothingness, the
sickening truth washing over her. She felt hot, her neck was boiling and the
cold wind felt like tiny shards of glass against her exposed skin.
She entered the apartment and stumbled inside, slamming the door behind
her.
“I called you, I was freakin’ worried,” came his voice before she saw
him. He was a dark shadow, becoming larger, walking to meet her in the dark
foyer. “What the fuck happened? One minute we’re at the reception, the next
minute you’re getting a ride to the ferry and told David’s son to tell me you
were bouncing? He literally came up to me and said, ‘Yo, your girl is
bouncing.’”
She looked into his face but there was no light. She reached behind her,
feeling around blindly all the while looking at his face.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Finally, her fingers felt the click of the switch and the light
illuminated his face.
Brown! she thought. Brown…?
“Please stop staring at me blankly and say something,” he said.
“Brown…” she murmured.
“What’s
brown?” he said and she came out of her thoughts.
“Your
eyes.”
“So are yours,” he spat.
“So were his…”
He shook his head in misunderstanding and searched her face desperately,
his eyes darting from her lips to her eyes to her chin. He rubbed his face tiredly
and pushed his hair back.
“His?” he asked.
