my newest guilty-pleasure (in my long line of guilty-pleasures) is the xfactor USA. now, i only really started to watch because of my undying love for legendary mizz britney spears and she's now a judge. but i gotta admit... after being a fan of american idol for about two episodes and then being forced to finish the season out of sheer grind and determination, all these fucking shows are as corny as you can get.

first off, whoever runs master control needs to get their shitsticks in order. the transition from performances to random host interlude to random camera shots of judges to random (but very dark and sometimes oddly lit) audience members to "candid" backstage footage where you can just see how hard some of the contestants are pretending to talk about the smell of their farts just to seem natural as the camera slowly pans the room... come on. i could give an ipod nano to a fucking three-year-old and she would probably come up with something that would put you grown ass men to shame.

next: khloe kardashian... i love your fierce curvaceousness but honey, you gotta stop smiling at the camera like it's an old woman who just shat herself and you feel too bad to curse and run away so instead you're forced to stand awkwardly nearby as your friend/fellow host mario lopez takes his clothes off in a desperate bid to be current.

the judges need to stop saying the word "proud". we get it you fuckers. you're their "mentors" (although by the looks of it the judges spend about 0.5% of their contracted time with the contestants, 4.5% of their time actually sitting in the judges' chairs and the next 95% doing whatever the fuck they want in their palatial homes) and thus, they make you proud every time they sing their hopeful little hearts out on the stage. i got a few adjectives for "proud" from www.thesaurus.com but i won't list them out because that website is free and you bitches need to learn to werk.

mario lopez... since when does khloe kardashian get more cheers from the audience than you? what a disappointment your abs have become, my friend.

also, i love my robot britney spears (don't forget it was only 4/5 odd years ago she was bald and crazy. now she has a full head of luscious weave... oops, i mean extensions, thank you very much) but someone needs to hand that woman a hand mirror so she can practice her alternating looks of surprise, awe and fascination to maybe resemble something more human... that way she can REALLY look surprised, in awe and fascinated.

i guess what i'm trying to say is...