For the time being, I live in Trinidad which is a small island in the Caribbean with a big cultural heritage and very big conservative minds, voices, thoughts and lots and lots and loooots of priests.
So it's no surprise that online dating sites - or rather hook up sites - are big business for gay men here. Much of the country's homosexual population is still lurking in the closet like it's 1975, while the ones who are out and living their lives face the stigmitisation that they are not "living on the down low" - a very in-demand trait considering how many men abhorrently administer their very serious intent on only hooking up with masculine, discreet, closeted, married, girlfriended men through a barrage of insulting words on their dating site profiles.
Yes, I'm gay and I don't live the idealised life of Bambi and his thumpy rabbit friend. I don't live in a perfect world where my tastes are as varied as a Frenchman's wine palette - give me scruff, a gravelly voice and a man who doesn't use words like "fabulous" or "ostentatious" and I will probably blush like a virgin whose first pubic hair has just become visible. However, how can there still be gay men living in this year of the Vagina, Twenty-fucking-Thirteen, who believe that someone who lives their life openly and freely (the term "out" grates my nuts. Gay is in, ask HBO) is less than a man? How can there be men who still think that hooking up with people in your twenties, all the way into your forties, without ever knowing the freedom of true love, is "normal"?
I think of myself right now, as I am: a 23-year-old male, living in the Caribbean, pursuing life, figuring out the important things in life (black jeans or blue jeans today?) and gay, gay, gay, gay, gaaaaay. I can't run from it. It's not "who I am". (I know there are so many schools of thought on this one. Is it who we are? Is it not who we are? Is it our dog? Wait... hang on... our dog is really the one who is gay! This has been a matter of gross gay projection! You're saved! Jesus and her 12 girl scouts welcome you into Heaven! Yey, now shut the fuck up and let me finish this post, thanks). But you know what: it's a very large part of who I am. The way I think, the way I dress, the way I comb my hair, the way I speak, what I speak of, who I want to be around, what I watch on television, what I don't watch on television, what I get tattooed on my body - all or slightly in part or maybe probably a very minuscule derivative are affected by the fact that I love cock. The thought of having a job, earning my own money, living in my own house, driving my own car, buying mixed vodka drinks with all the earning I've been doing... the thought of all this while NOT being able to also enjoy the insatiable fact that I am gay makes my knees tremble and I'm sitting down for Christ's cocksake!
Being gay is one of the most delicious experiences I have ever had. I appreciate a woman's ass and tits, albeit in a slightly different way than a heterosexual man (ha, like that exists) may appreciate it (I mostly appreciate how delicately her tits hang in the balance, while admiring the silhouette of that chiffon blouse... oh, wait, is it chiffon or silk?) I can't explain the rush of emotions I get when my palm wraps around a particularly beautiful cock that belongs to a beautiful man, neither can I imagine what it must be like to not care about chapped lips or not moisturising one's face. Ok, I'm kinda kidding about some of these (the kinda kidding that is true and makes you laugh awkwardly because what else are you fucking to do? Just act like you're watching an episode of the Kardashians).
Being gay is fun. And dating a man who is comfortable in that, who owns it, steps up to the plate and can take it. A man whose family members support and love him, whose co-workers say all kinds of fucked up shit like, "Mike can come fishing. The homos like fishing, yeah?" because they KNOW he's a homo, whose 9-year-old niece still asks about his ex from three years ago because she loves his leopard print eye-glasses case - this is the man I would like to date. A man whose life isn't immersed in homosexuality, but whose homosexuality is immersed in his life. And whose only experience being "downlow" is during fucking.
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