Celibacy

I have taken an oath. It's somewhat like a nun's, except my oath has nothing to do with an extra-spiritual belief. More the belief that I should save myself for love.

Over the past few years, I've come to regard sex as probably one of the most rote things. I've had sex in dark bushes, sex in cars, sex at the seaside, sex in bathrooms, sex in dirty one-room apartments, sex in luxurious hotel rooms, sex on rooftops, sex outside churches, sex next to ogling complete strangers, sex with ogling complete strangers... my point is, as biological and wonderful the act is, I'm all sexed out.

In the quest for love and partnership, the absolute rule for me holds true: honesty. Emotional honesty is probably highest on the list, as well as honesty with oneself. And if I'm completely honest with myself, love and sex are things that I want entangled beyond untangling - like headphones that have been scrunched in your pocket for over four hours while on an over-packed car ride.

Luckily, I've had sex with someone I loved (I think...) within the past year. And the feelings of want, care, absolution, desire and possession were overwhelming. If you can have sex like that, why would you ever want it any other way?

Sure, my dick still gets hard looking at beautiful pictures of men on tumblr and I lust dutifully over guys with hard pecs and biceps with the most resplendent of curves but physicality is so far-removed from emotion that it doesn't matter anymore.

I'd actually taken this vow once before, about a year ago and I stuck to it until I got to New York and men were falling from skyscrapers and I just thought it was silly to deny myself of pleasure. But now more than ever, the drive behind everything in my life is love. And not just love from another but love from myself. It's probably self-preservation or self-indulgence; whatever it is, I think I deserve sex with love. And so I've decided that the simple act of sex is not enough anymore and probably never will be again.

I will forage and plunder (and blunder) until I find someone I care, respect and love enough to know that when we fuck, we will also be making love. Because there are better things than cumming on a guy's stomach while he looks up into your eyes and smiles. Like laying next to him after, maybe not even touching, and knowing that what lies between you is more than words or thoughts could ever express and that right there, in that moment and in that space, you are safe.